There will be a time when the amount of worry and stress I need to handle is merely beyond how much I'm capable of. I start to think about life, think about whether I should give in more or to give up. I've just got my Chemistry semester exam paper back and I scored a fine 68. Yes the number looks fine. The grade looks fine. What you wouldn't know is my actual ability, which I'm clear of. Handling four heavy subjects isn't easy at all. Especially when Chemistry isn't the field I'm good in. To drop not to drop, that's a very serious question. I'm not trying to compare with others but when I came across to know that they're actually coursemates or even classmates who are able to score a well 90 plus, I start to doubt my own ability. I tend to be disappointed with myself for not being dedicated enough to achieve what I'm supposed to. In addition, I'm not sure what's the reason but I less prefer my classmates in comparison to my housemates. I just feel the need to isolate myself from them to feel more free, to be more kailing. Those classmates I mentioned doesn't include ong, he's the only one whom I can still be myself with. I just feel so tired talking and socialising with the rest of them, it's like I've put in so much effort to try to warm all of us up all I wish was we could be closer and be very good friends but I feel that no one anticipates or even appreciate my existence. I'm so done with it. For now, all I could give is just fake smiles. Perhaps we do not click, we do not have the same elements that enable us to bond together, and the time has come, for me to realise; for me to accept the truth, it's faith. I've expected so much from my college life but all turned out to be bits and bits of disappointments. If and only if I'm fortunate enough to meet the right ones, not only two or three little fellows, I really wouldn't mind my dull and stressful academic life. At least there still is something I look forward to every day when I go for classes. What has A-level done to me? I do not know. Could you understand how puzzled I am, facing the cold reality with red marks all over the paper, stacks of books on the table but yet, what I can do is just stare at them, having deep thoughts, without knowing where should I start with. I always knew I had to do something, but all I could do is just sigh, sigh and sigh.
Anyone who's fated might be reading this. I need your guidance, I'm in a serious situation now. I've never doubted myself so much. I've been the chilled one in my community but no, not anymore, I don't know! I'm so uncertain of everything now. I'm just so drained.
VV.
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